Wild Dingo

Before I go into my story, the answer is yes, Virgina, there ARE marathon bike races. But at the time of the question, the logic of “marathon” (which in my youth was learnt as a race on foot) and “bike race” (which in my adult life learned as on two wheels) didn’t exactly compute.

The other night, I went out for a short road-bike ride on the least hilly route out my door–rollers up Highland Way to Buzzards Lagoon and then just back home. Buzzard’s Lagoon is the entrance to the fire road leading to the infamous technical mountain bike Soquel Demonstration Forest. On the way to Buzzard’s, I run into two mountain bikers looking for Demo Forest. They would like to do Braille Trail, they tell me. Since we were already passed the parking lot for the lower fire road that leads out of Demo, I explained the best way to go is in my direction to the fire road at Buzzards Lagoon, where it will lead to Demo trails.

“All the way up that huge hill we just came down?” they exclaimed, looking winded and depressed. “Um, ya.” I suspected that they weren’t regular riders. A gander at their spotless frames fresh off the shelves of REI confirms my suspicions.

So I ask them why they want to do Braille Trail, one of Demo’s most technical trails. They tell me they heard about it and it sounded fun. They also tell me this is their first mountain bike ride. Come again? So I explain to them that Braille trail is not exactly for first time riders and perhaps they’d enjoy the ride down Tractor trail first. Tractor and the trails before it aren’t exactly a piece of cake anyway, so they’d have their work cut out for them.

“Ah, but we run half marathons,” they tell me. I see: running skills cross over to technical mountain biking skills. Holy cow things have changed since I rode or raced my mountain bike. I only wish I knew that so many years ago when I was a runner turned mountain biker. It would have saved me so much pain.

Still, I didn’t want the necks of these poor saps on my conscience, so I convince them they’ll be thrilled with Tractor and give them the directions as they huff and puff back up the pavement part of Highland to Buzzards Lagoon.

And this is where they pop the question: “Do they make half marathon bike races?” Huh? Did they just ask me if they make unicorns with two horns? The confusion on my face must have made them think I didn’t hear them, so they asked again, seriously.

Can’t they see by looking into my eyes that I have a brain fog so dense Magellan would get lost? Don’t they know they can’t ask a question like that to a person with my “condition?” You know—the kind of condition that requires my husband to have the first number in his speed dial programmed to the local exorcist. And the second number to a shaman, just in case the exorcist is on vacation. Ya, “that” condition.

Later I find out, that yes, they DO actually call long distance mountain bike racing “bike marathons” including the famous Leadville 100. I can’t count how many bike races I’ve actually done and not once did I ever hear or notice this term. With new meanings popping up all the time, its no wonder my brain is turning into fog.

Still, Braille trail on their first mountain bike ride and they’re complaining about a teeny tiny ant hill of a climb on the pavement to get to the fire road? Excuse me while I run for cover. The gov-mint is about to swoon in to confiscate and label my head as a WMD.