Wild Dingo

So many behaviors. So little time. Which ones do I work on first? Leash pulling, overzealous barking, biting, 24/7 tug machine, squashing my guests. And no desire to please anyone. Can’t say I blame him there, given how people failed him the first year of his life.

Instead of actually encouraging dog owners to spend time training dogs properly, the pet industry has become a co-dependent partner in helping owners live “humanely” with their dogs by pushing ridiculous contraptions, such as “gentle leaders” and “harnesses” so they don’t actually have to do anything that may cause the dog any discomfort anytime the dog actually causes his owner discomfort. I admit I used the harness early on when walking this monster so not to give myself a rotator cuff injury. But I made sure that didn’t last long.

Loki had me fooled early on. He convinced me he was deathly afraid of the pinch collar as if he had some neck sensitivity or aversion to chains. Ha! I’m on to his ruse. His only “aversion” is being told what to do or corrected when he doesn’t comply. Still, I say if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So these are my training tools of choice.

The hamster ball: This new PETA approved, non-violent method of dog walking will surely keep Loki away from dog on dog aggression, dog on people aggression and generally from interacting with a natural environment. A leash can slide through the air vents for ease of steering him in the right direction. Sure, they’re a little more difficult to toss in the car than just a leash, but in the end, I’ll feel much more secure knowing he had his walk without any need to cause him discomfort for his inappropriate behavior.

Bite suit: This tool is best for those times Loki is out of “the ball” and needs to express himself around guests at my home. Regular visitors will be required to have their own bite suit, but I’ll keep a few extra around for those who show up unannounced.

The iron skillet: Used for level 6-10 corrections. This tool is used for those owners who don’t actually use level 1-5 corrections at all for fear of causing their dog deep mental anguish resulting in an eating disorder or drug addiction. Instead, when all else fails, they can skip right to the skillet. When used appropriately, the skillet can send “fear for life” messages at just the right time to get your dog to mind you. Like all sports equipment and training tools, it comes in various sizes. Buy the size that fits your needs and body proportions. Since I’m short, the lighter skillets enable me to get a bigger and faster swing. You may consider buying a set, for different needs. Kind of like golf clubs. Caution: this tool may not work for the off-leash “come/recall” command but I haven’t figured out why.

Look for the following news (inspired by Loki’s foster mom, Cindy) to show up on Yahoo’s most e-mailed stories:

Forty-seven school children were mowed down when a dog in a hamster ball went berserk. The local police were surprised by the carnage caused when the ball repeatedly ran over the children during a tennis match. “The dog just kept going back and forth chasing the ball” said one stunned witness.” His owner showed up in a bite suit, frantically commanding him to “come” while chasing the “dog in the ball” and waving an iron skillet. Thirty minutes later, the owner finally retrieved him. “He just loves to chase tennis balls,” she said, as the dog bit her repeatedly.